Going into the Darkness

Maybe it’s just the dark moon, but I’ve been feeling the turning into myself a lot lately. Yesterday was probably the strongest pull I’ve felt in a while. I barely got out of bed. My dreams have been heavy and dark. There have been tears and moments of numb. I couldn’t focus properly on any one thing. I got nothing accomplished on my to do list. I spent the majority of the day just spinning between intense feelings and then nothingness until I would doze off, only to awake and do it all again.

Initially I tried to fight it for the sake of my family. While I don’t mind going into the darkness for a time, I always try to be mindful of pulling others into it with me. However, yesterday’s pull was too intense to simply “put on” a smile and fake it. The darkness demanded of me and so I followed.

Today has been a little brighter. I feel more grounded and protected. The rawness of yesterday has been soothed. Like a seed gone to ground. A seed is often blown around and beat by the sun for a time until it finally finds a place in the soil to root. The earth covers it in its nurturing darkness. The earth feeds and protects it. The seed begins to root and slowly it will reach for the sun.

I will rest in this darkness and learn what it is that I must in order to grow. The darkness isn’t easy, but I feel more myself and real when I am within it. I am glad for it. Cycles…